I’m going to see a counselor on Saturday.
I need some unbiased insight into my madness. And maybe I need someone who is unbiased to tell me I’m not mad.
I know that going to a counselor is a good thing. But I keep thinking about how exhausting it will be to tell her my story from the beginning, which is not actually the beginning but rather somewhere in the middle and then it goes back to the beginning…something like that.
How should I begin? “Hi, I’m Debbie. I think I’m depressed.” (“Hiiiiiiii Debbie.”) Or “Hi, I’m Debbie. I think I’m crazy.” “I think I’m having a mid-life crisis.” “I think my friends are sick of me talking about this.” “I think I’m completely losing it sometimes.” “I think I never want to interact with people again.” Yup. I’m all for making good first impressions. 🙂 I guess, if she’s any good, she’ll ask me some questions, right? Or, if she’s any good, she won’t have to ask me questions.
Sigh. I’m going to see a counselor on Saturday.
There’s a part of me that thinks, “Has it gotten this bad that you have to go see a counselor? Could you not have gotten a handle on this situation earlier?” There’s that fear that creeps in like you’re going to be disqualified from _____ if you go to therapy. That maybe people will start to look at you differently. One thing that really really really irks me is when people think I’m incapable or weak. That’s probably why I don’t like asking for help. The other thing that really really really irks me is when people don’t understand me. And that’s probably why I don’t share much…or I only share with people who have demonstrated a good track record of “getting me”. But if I’m honest, no one gets me all of the time. Ok, if I’m super honest, it’s a rare occurrence that someone actually gets me. And it’s such a surprise when it happens. It stays with me for weeks, maybe months. That person has now entered my small circle of trust. It’s not that my thoughts are particularly special or complex. They are just…different. Occasionally, I will go out on a limb and share something that I’ve been wrestling with with someone who is not in my small circle, and they totally don’t get it. I kinda expect that from them, but the idealistic part of me (most of me) genuinely gets surprised and so very disappointed when this happens. I took a risk and it backfired. So naturally, I shut down. I try to reboot. The problem is that I’m having trouble rebooting this time. Problem with the hard drive? OS issues? Slow processing speed? Maybe all of those things. Did someone not get me? Yeah, lots of people. Have I assigned way too much on those people? Definitely.
I realize how egocentric all of this sounds. And how rigid. That’s why I’m going to see a counselor on Saturday.